Bones' Structure
by wuemsel
Summary: I just always liked how TOS-Bones is this cute scrawny streak of nothing and AOS-Bones has the superman build. So... two little takes on that. Compare the Bones!


**Bones' Structure**

_by wuemsel_

**TOS**

"So," McCoy said and let his fork sink again before the red cube he had put on it had made it to his mouth, "at the rate we're going, I'm sure we can finish in a week, ten days max."

Kirk nodded. "Good. That's well within our schedule." He took a bite off his food and turned to Spock, still chewing. "How's the Science Department doing, then?"

"The Li'Ghan-ees have proven to be very enthusiastic about benefiting from the education we're granting them," Spock said. He had finished his meager meal already and was sitting with his hands folded on the table.

"No kidding," McCoy chimed in. "You should hear the questions they ask me during examinations. They outsmart Spock any day. The physicians, anyway." He had lost the red cube and seemed to sort through the colorful array on his plate now, dividing red cubes from yellow and blue ones.

"A high compliment," Spock said.

McCoy smiled at him. "If you say so yourself."

Kirk suppressed a snicker by stuffing more food into his mouth.

"Fortunately, the Li'Ghan-ees I met so far also showed a comforting tendency to express emotions," McCoy said.

"Indeed," Spock said. "And a remarkable ability to control them when appropriate."

"What gave you that idea? The eye-rolling instead of telling you to hurry up a bit with your lectures?"

"Gentlemen," Kirk cut in before Spock had a chance to reply, "this is all good news. I have met with the Li-Ghan-ee officials and they are more than willing to accept a group of Federation historians as their guests next. We should all be proud of ourselves for making the contact and seeing the negotiations through to this point. It's always best when new civilizations learn as much from us as we do from them."

"Hear, hear," McCoy said and raised his glass of water for a toast.

"I agree, Captain," Spock said. "The Li'Ghan-ees' technology is indeed fascinating. I will be highly interested in following Starfleet's follow-up visits to the planet to learn more about it."

"Some of it's really something," McCoy said. "Are you working with that red chip thingy, too?" he asked Spock, tipping his finger against his temple. "It's amazing," he told Kirk. "They just stick it onto you and it filters the information you're teaching them straight from your brain and records it. So afterwards, they can use your exact thoughts to practice on their own."

Frowning, Kirk hesitated with his fork in mid-air. "Is that safe?" he asked.

"I asked the same thing," McCoy said.

Kirk nodded. Of course McCoy had.

"I even looked at how it worked when they showed it to me and it's mind-blowing. They don't just watch it like a lecture film, they can *feel* what to do, just like you would if you had the knowledge. It's basically high-speed learning. I've been wearing that thing throughout the whole week now, during operations and the examinations at the clinic, so they can use all that later. It's much faster than teaching them Starfleet medicine from scratch."

"Wow." Kirk nodded and put the collection of cubes on his fork into his mouth at last. "I never thought I'd see the day when you let someone reach into your mind to drag something out of it. Voluntarily even."

"It's not like that," McCoy said. "It's like a… recording, only with more information. They can't access what I don't allow them to." He shoved the only green cube on his plate from one pile to the next and smiled. "It's completely safe."

Kirk looked at Spock as if waiting for his approval.

"I, too, have indeed worked with the device Dr McCoy describes," Spock said and tilted his head as he studied McCoy. "It is remarkable. However, I wouldn't have advised you to make use of it quite that often."

Frowning again, Kirk glanced back at McCoy, eyes narrowing. "Bones."

"It's totally, completely safe!" McCoy said. "I don't know what you mean, Spock. There are no side effects, not even a headache. I feel better after using it than when you rummage through my mind."

"It is safe," Spock admitted. He looked at McCoy's plate, then back up again. "It is also powered by the person wearing it."

"I know," McCoy said angrily. "So?"

"I am not sure using it to the extent that you have is beneficial for your health," Spock said. To Kirk it sounded like he was measuring his words very carefully – a rare occurrence in his debates with McCoy.

Kirk's frown deepened. "What do you mean, Spock?"

"Yes, what *do* you mean?" McCoy said. "I'm a doctor, I know what's fucking beneficial for my health."

"Now, no need to lie," Kirk told him and cut off any snarky reply McCoy might have felt was warranted by asking Spock, "If it's powered by… Oh." He looked back at McCoy, clearly amused now and sucked in his lips, nodding. "I see. It burns calories."

"Precisely, Captain," Spock said. "Using the device for an hour in a human uses up approximately 1200 calories."

Kirk's eyes went wide as he stared at McCoy. "How long have you been wearing it in a day?"

"That's not *really* how much it burns off," McCoy said. Following Kirk's and Spock's glances to his untouched food, he angrily shoved a red cube into his mouth and chewed vigorously. "Also something it has going for it, of course. It'd be a great means to lose weight."

"Yeah, not exactly something you need, though, is it?" Kirk said.

McCoy frowned grumpily. "I haven't lost any, don't get your tribbles wet. Not much, anxway" he added in a mumble, putting another cube on his fork.

"I would say any weight loss at all is to be prevented in your case, doctor," Spock said.

"He thinks you're too skinny," Kirk grinned, pointing his fork at Spock.

McCoy glared at him.

"I do not," Spock said, unimpressed. "I am, however, surprised that as a physician you don't see the negative side effects of the technology in question. Especially when used by someone of your build."

"Yeah, he thinks you're bony enough, Bones," Kirk translated again, still grinning. "He's also lying about being surprised. No one's surprised."

"Jesus Christ," McCoy grumbled and stabbed at his pile of yellow cubes with his fork. "I've been taking care of myself a whole lot longer than you two."

"And yet here we are with your plate still full," Kirk said. He was clearly enjoying this, a fact McCoy wasn't going to forget soon. He was CMO after all, he had means of payback.

"Eating too fast gives you gas," McCoy pointed out and started nibbling at the yellow cube. They weren't his favorites.

"If I may suggest a solution for your predicament," Spock said and ignored McCoy's wide-eyed "My fucking wh-" by continuing, "With the right nutrition plan, it should be no problem for you to continue using the Li-Ghan-ees' device without causing further undesirable side effects."

"There're no side effects!" McCoy snapped. "Okay? I know you don't always hear what I say, bunny ears, but just try this time. I'm fine, that thing is safe, end of conversation."

"Nah, I'm with Spock," Kirk said and lifted his plate to scrape his leftover cubes onto McCoy's plate.

"What the-"

"Start with that, we'll get you seconds." With that, Kirk patted McCoy's shoulder as he stood up and winked at him, before turning to his first officer. "C'mon Spock, we mustn't let our CMO run himself even more ragged."

"I hate you," McCoy said.

"Finish your dinner like a good boy, and maybe there'll even be dessert." Kirk nodded enthusiastically like talking to a little kid and slightly ruffled McCoy's hair.

"It better be liquid," McCoy growled.

"Well, alcohol's fattening, so chances are good," Kirk said and headed for the replicator, followed by Spock.

"No yellow ones!" McCoy shouted after them and slumped his shoulders when he only got a snort as a reply. Sighing, he pierced another yellow cube onto his fork.

**AOS**

"Goodness, what happened to you?" Chris Chapel stared at her boss with wide eyes, as he hobbled into sickbay, supported by the captain and first officer.

"He did," Leonard growled and nodded at Jim.

At Chris' incredulous look, Jim shook his head. "I didn't do anything."

"You didn't punch him in the face?" Chris asked, leading them to the closest biobed.

"No!"

"He did by proxy," Leonard said, wincing as he lowered himself onto the bed. His right eye was rapidly swelling shut and his lip was split in two places. There was also a bruise starting to form around a small cut on his cheekbone.

"Captain-"

"I didn't!" Jim cut Chris off. He'd backed away a little to let her lift Leonard's face to get a better look, but left his hand on Leonard's shoulder. "We ran into trouble down there and things just got out of hand. You'll live," he told Leonard with a rueful smile. "The beat-up hero look's sexy." He looked at Spock as if for approval, then slightly ducked his head at the Vulcan's gaze.

"Not all of us need to get beaten up to look good," Leonard said. "Some of us do so naturally. Just once I'd like for us to go on an away mission without you causing people to get violent."

"Ah," Chris nodded. "I see."

"No, no, no," Jim shook his head. "That's **NOT** what happened. This is completely not my fault."

"Insulting the Dro'achi's pet may not have been the wisest gesture on your part, Captain," Spock said.

"You, too?!"

"You insulted someone's pet?" Chris tsk'd, shaking her head as she reached for a scanner to check Leonard's eye. "Low."

"I didn't!" Jim exclaimed.

"Totally did," Leonard said and looked at Chris with his good eye. "It was a great day for our fearless leader's legendary diplomatic skills."

"But why did they punch you, when Jim insulted their pe-"

"I did no such thing! I said she looked very healthy and well fed."

Chris frowned, her hand holding the scanner hovering over Leonard's face. "You called their pet fat?"

Leonard and Spock nodded.

"No!"

"Still doesn't answer the question why they punched Leonard instead of you, then," Chris said. She'd put the scanner down and was spraying a thin layer of anti-bacterial gel onto the cut on Leonard's cheekbone.

"They tried to punch me, in fact," Jim said.

"Rightly so," Leonard grumbled. "I'd punch you right now, if you were within reach."

"I didn't call her fat! I said she looked cute! Those people are seriously thin-skinned."

"The Captain," Spock said, having caught Chris' confused look, "ducked and avoided being hit in the face."

"Ah. And Leonard stood behind him."

"No," all three men said in unison.

"Jim ducked," Leonard said and flinched away a little, when Chris started dabbing at the sensitive skin around his eye, "and did this thing where he's pretending he didn't do nothin' and doesn't deserve to be punched-"

"I didn't-"

" -and so the guy stumbled into a table and hit his head and Jim stepped onto his hand-"

" - by accident!"

" -and I went to help him and… he punched me in the face."

Chris blinked and turned Leonard's face from right to left by his chin.

"A coupla times."

"A few times," Jim corrected. "And then that fat squirrelthing bit Bones in the leg."

"He punched you because you were trying to help him?" Chris asked.

"Story of my life," Leonard sighed.

"What a dick. Also, show me that bite, you probably need a vac shot for that."

"What I don't get," Jim said, as Leonard lifted his leg onto the bed and shoved up his trousers leg to display a bright red bite wound still oozing blood sluggishly, "is why you let it get this bad. I mean, the first punch, he caught you off guard, fine – though, still… your reflexes are appalling, man. But he basically pummeled you until Spock dragged him off of you."

"I noticed," Leonard said. "I was there. There was also a sensitive over-weight rodent nibbling on my leg. And I still blame you for all of it."

"You blame me for breakfast," Jim said, waving it off. "But… Bones – okay, the guy was no weakling and I'm sure he threw a good punch-" He smiled sheepishly at Leonard's glare. " - but, man… you looked pathetic."

"Again with the diplomatic skills," Leonard said.

Looking from Chris to Spock and back to Leonard, Jim hastily explained, "No, no, I mean, just…" He scratched his forehead. "You're …" He gestured for Leonard, who raised his brows at him, waiting. "… not exactly scrawny, are you?"

"Are you calling me fat now, cause I will bite your leg."

Jim rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to reply, when Spock said, "I believe the point the Captain is trying to make is that for a human, you are in excellent physical shape. Therefore it should have presented you with no problems to subdue your opponent."

"What he said," Jim nodded.

Chris snickered quietly, while running the dermal regenerator over Leonard's leg.

Leonard looked from Spock to Jim, frowning as best he could in his momentary condition. "What?"

Jim threw his hands up, exasperated. "You're built like a fucking wardrobe! You're six feet tall and ripped! How can you be so disastrous in hand-to-hand-combat?"

Looking at Jim as if he'd lost his mind, Leonard shook his head. "Jesus Christ. I'm a doctor, not a prizefighter. And it wasn't hand-to-hand anything, the guy just thrashed me."

"But he shouldn't have been able to!" Jim exclaimed. "You didn't even block any blows, you tried to reason with him!"

"Yeah, it's called talking, you might like to try it someti-"

"You could've knocked him out with one hit! Hell, you could probably knock Spock out, if you really got into it."

Spock turned his head to look at Jim who didn't notice. He looked back at Leonard, who quickly shook his head at him.

"I'm a doctor," Leonard repeated, "I don't knock people out with anything but hypos. Ouch!" He flinched away from Chris' grip on his face and shot her a quick glare.

"Sorry."

"Yeah, but you're also a Starfleet officer," Jim ranted on. "Sometimes things get messy and there's no phasers and-"

"I don't like using phasers, either."

Jim emitted a sound somewhere between a growl and a sigh. "Okay. I get all that. But c'mon, if you'd just raised your fist once he probably would have stopped."

Leonard frowned. "Nah. I don't like scaring people."

"You LOVE scaring people!" Jim said over Chris' snort.

Spock raised one brow.

Leonard seemed to reconsider and gave a reluctant nod. "Okay. Yeah, you're right, I give you that. So next time you make someone want to beat me up, I'll pretend to be willing to fight back. Satisfied?"

"Not really." Jim ran a hand through his hair. "How did you ever pass self-defense at the academy? We seriously need to do some sparring."

"No, no, no, we'll do no such thing." Leonard waved it off, once more wincing when Chris started using the dermal regenerator on his cheekbone. "I fucking hate sparring. If you make me and I get punched, I'll make you realize all your physicals so far have been pure bliss, I mean it."

"And here you JUST said you don't like scaring people," Jim said.

"Cry me a river, kid. Also – I never passed self-defense."

Chris and Jim froze.

"What?" Jim asked.

"You deaf? I didn't pass self-defense. "

"But… then..." Jim stared at him. "How are you on this ship?"

"Well, first of all, you invited everyone but Santa Clause and his grandmother to be on this ship," Leonard said, "and second – passing self-defense isn't mandatory. Every cadet has to take at least three different courses in self-defense training. Passing them is for feeling all good about oneself, I guess. Did they give y'all a cookie?"

Jim kept staring at him. "That… can't be right. Spock?"

"Starfleet regulations indeed do not demand cadets to pass self-defense courses. However, it is extremely rare that cadets don't pass." Spock paused, then added, "All beginners' courses are, I have been told, notoriously easy to pass."

Leonard rolled his eyes. "Oh go fall off the ship."

"How did you not pass those courses?" Jim asked incredulously. "Those are the ones where… the first ones, right? The… with just..."

He looked at Spock and Spock nodded.

"Yeah. How did you fail those? You had to attend, right?"

Leonard shrugged. "Lots of running around in the gym. I never understood how that's NOT self-defense but there you go. I accidentally broke some poor kid's hand once, cause I tried to block the blow, that taught me."

"Shouldn't even that have been enough to pass?" Chris asked. "Those courses ARE really hard to fail."

"Yeah," Leonard sighed. "But when I heard the bone crack, I tried to get a look at it and help him hold it still and he kicked me in the face and knocked me down. I pretended to be out so he wouldn't hurt his hand more."

"Wow," Jim said, eyes wide. "You're hopeless."

"Well, I'm a-"

"Doctor, yeah, we know by now," Jim cut him off.

"I was gonna say lover, not a fighter, but also – I'm a doctor. I don't hurt people." He shrugged again.

"Okay." Jim took a deep breath and nodded, thinking. "I understand that. I respect that. But," he added, "can you please from now on at least accept that you kinda look like you really could hurt people?"

"How about I try and you don't make it that necessary all the time?" Leonard replied.

"How about I order you to pass a self-defense test created by my first officer?"

"How about I put you on a special diet as ordered by your CMO?"

Jim nodded in an "okay this is war"-way. "Right. Obviously self-defense includes target practice."

"Yeah, I think your next allergy test is tomorrow. Let me check my schedule."

As it went on, Chris and Spock exchanged a look and quietly left into different directions.


End file.
